POV: Your coworker keeps using your friend's deadname

Mar 2, 2022

Updated: May 15, 2022

content warning: transphobia, violence against trans and LGBT+ people

A couple weeks ago, your friend at work came out as trans and let everyone know that their pronouns are she/her/hers and their name is Alicia. Your coworker, Susan, keeps on referring to Alicia by her deadname in emails, with other coworkers, and even to Alicia. You know it's bothering Alicia, but Susan is Alicia's supervisor and Alicia doesn't want to "rock the boat."

What is a "deadname"?

A transgender person's deadname is the name that was given to them at birth. Deadnaming someone means using their deadname either in conversation or when referring to them. Explicit and intentional deadnaming is seen as offensive, unethical, and potentially malicious.

"Being misgendered and deadnamed in my death felt like it would be the ultimate insult to the psychological and emotional injuries I was experiencing daily as a black trans woman in New York City, the injuries that made me want to take my own life." (Laverne Cox in "Laverne Cox lambastes 'deadnaming.' What is it and why is it a problem?" by Allyson Chiu)

It's important to note that not all trans people choose to change their name. This does not make them any less valid. They also may not change their pronouns, and they may not choose pronouns that "match" their gender in the socially constructed binary of man/woman (i.e., a person assigned male at birth who is now a trans woman might not have she/her pronouns). Again, their trans identity is still entirely valid.

As always, ask before assuming!

Here's how the conversation could go...

Susan: Can you let me know once you and <deadname> have completed your status reports for the week?

You: Yes, we can both update you once our reports are done. By the way, remember she goes by Alicia now.

Susan: Oh yes, I keep on forgetting! Thanks.

You: No problem.

If they say this, you can say...

I'm just so used to using their old name, it's hard to remember the new one.

I totally get that, and if you only used their deadname a few times and self-corrected, it probably wouldn't be as big of a deal. But you have used her deadname frequently for a few weeks now, and I know you don't want Alicia to think you just don't care.

Why does she have the right to make everyone else work harder and learn this new name and pronouns?

Well they still look like a man.

I told my sister-in-law about him and she agrees that I should be able to keep saying <deadname>.

Some facts to reference...

2020 saw at least 44 transgender or gender non-conforming people fatally shot or killed by other violent means, the majority of which were Black and Latinx transgender women. (HRC Foundation)
30% of trans employees reported being fired, denied a promotion, or experiencing some other form of mistreatment in the workplace related to their gender identity or expression, such as being harassed or attacked. (National Center for Transgender Equality)
A study on the impact of discrimination on the mental health of trans youth found that high transgender-based discrimination was significantly associated with greater odds of PTSD, depression, stress, and suicidal thoughts. (Wilson, Chen, Arayasirikul, Raymond, & McFarland)
8 million workers in the U.S. identify as LGBT. Among those that are trans, 48.8% of employees reported experiencing discrimination based on their LGBT+ status compared to 27.8% of cisgender LGBT+ employees. (UCLA Williams Institute)

"[My boss] told me I would make other people uncomfortable, just by being myself. He told me that my transition was unacceptable. And over and over, he told me it was inappropriate. Then he fired me." (Vandy Beth Glenn in a CAP article )

A few things to remember...

Never push this conversation with someone without permission from the trans person that the conversation is about. Your confrontation could lead to their harassment. While it's great that you want to stand up for them, it's not your place to go around fighting their battles without their permission. A more simple version of this conversation would just be continuing to correct Susan when she uses the wrong name and pronouns.

Not everyone will agree with you on particular trans issues. Your goal shouldn't be to completely change their values and perspective, because likely that's just impossible. A more achievable goal is to simply change their behavior. As long as they can agree to use Alicia's correct name and pronouns, that's definitely a step in the right direction!