POV: your sister just outed your friend's trans status without permission

Feb 23, 2022

Updated: May 15, 2022

content warning: transphobia, violence against trans folks

One of your friends, Julio, is a trans man and transitioned over 8 years ago. Most of the people he meets and you hangout with together don't know he's trans since they met him after his transition. He shares this identity with a few close people in his life, but is mostly private about it. You and your sister, Jess, have known him since childhood, so you both are fully aware of his transition. You join your sister and few of her friends for dinner. The plan is to meet up with Julio and a few others after dinner, so your sister was giving her friends the run-down on who would be coming. When she mentions Julio, she immediately identifies him as a trans man.

Here's how the conversation could go...

Jess: ...and then there's Julio, he's also a trans guy so don't be weird about it.

<You choose to speak with your sister privately in the bathroom instead of at the table right after she said this.>

You: Hey, so I just wanted chat real quick... You know Julio isn't out to everyone that he's trans, right?

Jess: Well, yeah, I know that, but they're just my friends.

You: And I get that, but it really is Julio's decision who knows and doesn't know. Now that you have told them, you should make sure to let them know not to tell anyone else. And you definitely should let Julio know that you told them and that they know now.

Jess: Okay, yeah, you're right. I guess I just didn't really think about it before I told them.

If they say this, you can say...

I feel like he'd probably tell them at some point anyway.

And that's fine, but it's still his decision of who to tell and when to tell them.

Why does it matter? It's not like my friends are gonna be mean or disrespectful about it.

Some facts to reference...

1 in 5 transgender people in the United States have been discriminated against when seeking a home, and more than 1 in 10 have been evicted from their homes, because of their gender identity. (National Center for Transgender Equality)
375 trans people were killed in 2021. (Forbes)
Transgender people are over four times more likely than cisgender people to experience violent victimization, including rape, sexual assault, and aggravated or simple assault. (Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law)

A few things to remember...

This post assumes that you are cisgender. If you are trans, intersex, or identify with another gender/sex non-conforming identity, you will likely have a different emotional experience in this conversation. As always, respond in a way that is best for you and safest for you.

If you are a trans ally and an ally of a specific trans friend, remember that it is not your job to speak on behalf of or for trans people. You shouldn't claim to know how they'd feel if they were present in the conversation. But you can still support them by listening to the trans community when they tell you how to be a good ally.